Joeisms

The History of Evil

2008-03-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

Star Wars IV: A New Hope as told by a three-year-old

2008-02-27T14:13:00.001-08:00

Okay, Okay, I'm posting already!

2007-10-08T19:00:00.001-07:00

Sorry, gang, I guess I just got busy with a few other things and let the old blog go to heck for a while. Been busy bringing home the cheese, dealing with the single parent thing, and keeping up with enough stuff in the real world to keep body and soul together.

Doesn't leave much time for idle rambling, as much fun as that can be, but thanks for not complaining. If any of you missed my contributions, at least you had the good manners to keep it to yourselves. Bet your moms would be proud.

So, what do you want to know? Job's pretty much the same, making sure the haters have somebody to focus on...

Boy, you oughta see me shop for groceries, with the coupons and the savings cards and the best cost-per-ounce comparisons, if you took how much I save and spread it over all the time I spend saving it, I'm probably making about $3.85 per hour while I shop! Makes me feel like I'm in 1977 all over again.

And Television? I've got something going every night, and sometimes the TIVO has to pick up the pieces for me at critical times, like when Everybody Loves Raymond is up against Heroes or whatever. Hey, why can't they schedule these things so that doesn't happen?

Anything else? You sure? You might not be hearing from me again for six or eight months, okay? Well, if it won't be too hard on you, I'll just write whenever, like I have been doing, and maybe you can post a comment catching me up on all your doings, instead of all those ads for stock offerings and male enhancement and whatever... how did I get on that list, anyway?

I am Anna Nicole's baby daddy

2007-02-10T12:56:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, the line is growing longer by the minute of men who, ordinarily, would avoid a paternity test like The Reverend Al Sharpton avoids diet salad dressing, but there is one reason why all their claims are spurious, opportunistic, and invalid.

The baby is mine.

It started, as many similar tales do, with "Oh, man, we were so drunk that we--" and it goes on from there. Surely you, also, have found yourself in a cold-water flat in Zurich with a hefty blonde with $200 fingernails who's snoring like a weedeater, who says she is Anna Nicole Smith.

Except that, this time, she really was. Yeah, I went through it with her manager, and the bodyguard who fell behind the party after he accidentally set fire to the front of his shirt when he bobbled a flaming shooter at this little public house in the warehouse district, and I survived the frantic phone calls from her mother who offered me money not to marry her little girl and ruin her future. Yeah, that would have been a blessed match, huh? Could you imagine the Thanksgiving dinners with that hateful old sow for a mom-in-law?

Truth was, though I was fond of Anna, I knew I couldn't marry her. Her Hollywood friends were always working to break us up, and she was far more clingy than I like, calling all the time, dropping by my work, checking my cellphone to see who had been calling, and rooting through my wallet for receipts, phone numbers, or whatever she could find.

Not to speak ill of the dead, but what a nut job.

Between that, and the certain knowledge that all of our business would be in the tabloids weekly, our relationship was doomed from the start. I really like shopping for groceries, and those awful cover photos make it hard to concentrate on getting the correct change, so it's for the best, really.

There's only one small matter that is not resolved, and that is-- who is going to take care of our daughter?

Bad Timing

2007-01-20T20:33:00.000-08:00


Sometimes they just sneak up on you...

You Clicked The FART BUTTON?

2006-08-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

What the heck were you thinking, clicking a fart button? Isn't that for, like, thirteen year old boys who don't have a subscription to Mad Magazine?

I thought, when I put that button up, that I'd just fill the space for a couple of days until I came up with something real to go there. Originally, there was no link to anything, but right after I posted it I started getting flak about the dead link. Dead link? I asked myself, there can't be a dead link, what the blazes are they talking about?

On seeking more information, I learned that everybody, and I mean you, too-- was clicking first on the fart button, then exploring the rest of joeisms.com later. In fact, if the hit counters are correct, the fart button is getting more action than any other feature of the site, including me.

Now, don't get me wrong. If you look at the rest of the contents of joeisms.com you'll see a trend towards sophomoric humor. In fact, there are more than a few sophomores who cringe to hear me use that term on my website. I'm not seeking the most mature of audiences, but I'd have thought that a few of you could leave a fart button alone.

So, disappointed in the whole bunch of you, I've decided not to waste the opportunity. I linked the fart button to my blog, here, so that you and I both can get something out of this. Look around, check out my opinions of stuff, then tee off on me with the comments section.

Just do me a favor. Make sure you understand what I'm saying before you thrash me. I can take the heat generated by opposition to my opinion, but I lack patience with folks who can't communicate on at least a 10th grade level. See? Sophomoric again.

Goblessamerrka

2005-10-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

Or something. Man, do we need blessing right about now. I mean it. I've been watching the news on CNN and the broadcast networks, reading Time, USA Today and Newsweek, and following as closely as I can all the commentary from talking heads and NPR's All Things Considered, and I have come to the only possible conclusion: we SUCK.

There's no other way to look at it. As nations go, we are doing a terrible job. Greatest nation on earth? Haw! We can't run a regular bus service to outer space without killing astronauts, we can't put a president in office who will consistently please the people who voted against him in the last election, and, for all of our supposed power, we can't seem to move the whole country a couple of hundred miles one way or the other to avoid a hurricane.

Well, that last one, I may be out of line, there. I'm not clear what the government should have done to avoid the hurricane thing. The response was faster than any of the last five major hurricane strikes, involved more refugees, greater damage, and over a larger area than ever before in US history, but dawgonnit, Bush should have been standing on I-10 handing out bottles of Aquafina the day before the storm, or something. Hey, it's important in this country to first assign blame, then deal with the trouble.

Why can't we force peace in Israel, with seven nations surrounding them who swear to wipe them off the face of the earth? It seems like, if we were as powerful as everybody says, we could just go knock some heads together and make them all play nice, wouldn't you think?

Wasn't Iraq better off before we started freeing all the oppressed majority there? Saddam didn't build Abu Ghraib prison as a day care center for misunderstood teenagers, he fed political enemies alive into wood chippers for laughs. But-- he was pretty strict about that No Flash Photography thing. We could learn from his example, it pays to have a few firm policies that everybody understands.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah... in the last week, I have listened while learned men and women proclaimed that we are not handling our relations properly with every country on earth who is not at war with us. The ones where we have soldiers are a big mess, but there is even more trouble brewing in all the countries where we are just importing their goods and giving them stuff in return. We're too soft on dictators, we're too hard on harmless fascists, we're not doing enough to encourage everybody to hum a few bars of I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke, or something.

Among the essential things that we are, as a nation, screwing up:

poor people are still having to pay for stuff in this country.
children are being forced to go along with No Child Left Behind.
we're spending too little to support the arts.
where's our @#&*! flying cars?!?!?!
there's still people out there who haven't had an abortion yet.
our government is in the hands of people who believe in Jesus Christ. No telling what crazy thing they'll do next. To whom can we pray to save us from that, I wonder?
There is no constitutional amendment supporting a woman's right to change her mind.
You can still legally own guns here.
We can't find a way to stifle the free speech of those who disagree with us.
It's high time we let the minority decide who gets to be president and stack the Supreme Court with froot loops.

It wasn't a total loss, however. While I was listening and making notes, some things that we are doing right came to light. A sampling:

We are spending just the right amount of time, money and energy trying to find some legitimate reason to impeach the president, damage his supporters and advisors, and obstruct his goals for the nation.
we're making sure that tiny island republics know that they can't keep on raping and killing our pretty, blonde, teenage girls.
we're doing a fine job of keeping fingernail clippers off of domestic flights.
Oil prices are finally at a level where we can afford to destroy Arctic wildlife to find more.
people who have more money and stuff than me are going to jail for doing the stuff they do that makes more money than me.
we will soon have a chance to elect a woman president who will make sure that we all have just what we need to have a good life and all the people in jail who didn't do anything wrong will be let out and the descendants of slaves will all get a big, fat check, and nobody will have to pay for health care or anything ever again.
either that, or we will be over-run by the Chinese who will kill everybody who doesn't join the Communist Party, and nobody will have anything to pay for, or with, ever again.

So, see? As messed up as we are, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then. Maybe we are worth saving, after all.

Hurricane Whitey

2005-09-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

Kanye West at the NBC Concert for Hurricane Katrina Relief:

"I hate the way they portray us in the media."

"If you see a black family it says they are looting if you see a white family it says they are looking for food."

"And you know that it’s been 5 days because most of the people are black and even for me to complain … I would be a hypocrite because I would turn away from the TV because it’s too hard to watch."

" I’ve even been shopping before giving a donation and so right now I’m calling my business manager what is the biggest amount I can give."

"And just to imagine if I was down there, those are my people down there. So anybody out there who wants to help with the set up, the way that America is set up to help … The poor, the black people, the less well off as slow as possible. I mean, Red Cross is doing everything they can."

"We already realize a lot of the people that could help are at war now fighting another way and they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us."

"George Bush doesn’t care about black people."

You go, boy.

That's right, rapper Kanye West is stepping up to talk about an ugly truth in this country. Not only is the whole system of distribution of goods and services set up to serve white people first, but now, just when it looks like they are in the worst trouble they've ever been in, the government opens hunting season on blacks in New Orleans.

I understand what he's on about, here, because I have often felt guilty when I was forced to go to the front of the line at restaurants, banks, and government offices just because I was white.

I think he might be off base, though, saying that the national guard troops who are restoring order have permission to shoot blacks. I think that it might be more accurate to say that they have orders to shoot anybody who they find in violation of Martial Law, that is, looting, raping or pillaging in the absence of civil authority. That includes us crackers, who are, incidentally, better targets after sunset due to our coloration.

That being said, I think it is awfully brave of him to bust out in support of people who are firing on rescue personnel, looting record stores full of his CDs, and robbing, raping and killing each other even in the storm shelters which have taken them in.

To come down on the side of a group who have begun looting in cities where they've been taken by relief organizations? To allege that the government's inability to prevent hunger, disease and death in an area the size of Kansas with no electricity, limited access by road and air, and the most troubled areas are under four feet of filthy sewer water is a conspiracy by the white man? Hey, that takes monster sized nuts, my brotha.

In a more merciful world, Kanye would have been elected, though I don't even remember him in the primaries.

With such a brave and insightful president, we could have expected a full evacuation of New Orleans in the days leading up to Hurricane Katrina's landfall. I'm sure everybody would have cheerfully abandoned some of the most expensive acreage in the southeastern US if President Kanye said so.

I say we should give him a chance. Vote him in, even if he doesn't want it. Only Kanye can rally all the support it will take to finally end the hunting of blacks who are only looking for food.

With his kind of concern, we can be sure that white families will also be labelled as looters.

If something big goes down, we know that he'll call his business manager right after he goes shopping, and that he'll move the military in quickly to help the poor, blacks and the less fortunate first, and shoot white people later.

Oh, and hey-- the Drug War? It'll be over, day one of the West Administration.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kanyewest/wedontcare.html

Yeah, I can't wait. Maybe then we'll have an end to all this whining about slavery and being downtrodden, we'll all be able to afford barbecued ribs and malt liquor again, and I can finally get those twenty-twos I've had my eye on.

Oh, not pay for them, Heck no! I'll just wait for a tornado, or a power outage. Happens all the time.

What I know about foreign policy

2005-03-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

As an introduction to this essay, let me say that the two things that will trouble you about my opinion in this matter are, well, not important.

The first thing you're going to be concerned about here is whether I have the credentials to offer an opinion on foreign policy. Let me assure you that I am, without doubt, the last person on earth whose opinion should carry any weight as regards the dealings of the US government with any foreign governments.

Another thing that is bound to come up is-- why should you listen to me? Well, you're here, I'm here, and I've never just rudely shot you down just because you didn't know what you were talking about, have I? If I have, then I am heartily sorry for that, in a really sorry I brought it up so you could remind me of it kinda way.

Now that the prelims are out of the way, we both know that US foreign policy is a mess. Name me a nation who is not having some sort of trouble with somebody. We've made every bone-headed newbie error you can imagine, from propping up dictators to arming the insurrectionists who later started shooting at us. We've bet on the wrong horse, meddled in local elections, sent in military advisors, and left our friends to get their butts kicked.

Who would trust a country like that, huh? Why would anyone take money, weapons, or advice from a nation so two-faced and self-interested that they would hire thugs like Manuel Noriega, the Shah of Iran, and Saddam Hussein to keep things in order, then bust them down when they got too big for their pants?

The answer is the same as why thieves go to the best part of town to steal a car or rob somebody. It's because that's where the money is. Actually, thieves seem to work the lower middle part of town, where there are not so many alarms, but I'll ignore that because it doesn't support my point very well.

We're taking a lot of flak these days because we expect people the world over to do things our way. Hey, it's not everybody that we're trying to dictate to, just the ones who are taking our foreign aid money, or are engaged in really lopsided trade deals with us, or owe us a lot of money because they took out loans they haven't repaid, or whatever.

Does our money mean that we get to call the shots? Well, no, but it should. C'mon, why can't we be like the rich SOB that makes all the trouble in the movies? You know the guy, he's got so much money that he could spend his days in a leisurely way, but he doesn't. No, because there are these other people that he must torment. They may be poor, they may be middle-class, but it is his business in the story to be the bastard, and bedevil their existence until they have to do something about him. We could be like that guy, except that we leave the little guys alone, pretty much.

Or, we could send a couple of Marine divisions out to break some legs. Just for the heck of it.

Wait, we're already doing that.

So, while I started out to answer a question, I find myself asking one now. If we are half as bad as everybody says, (and by everybody, I mean American cultural elitists and foreign crybabies) why are they having anything to do with us at all? I mean, it's a big sandbox, why don't they all go to the other corner and take their toys with them?

Two good reasons why they don't take all their toys and play somewhere else? One, There isn't anywhere else; and two, all the neat toys belong to us. Does this mean we have to listen to their whining while we act in our own self-interest? Well, we kinda have to hear it, but nobody says we have to pay any attention to it.

Back to the sandbox for a minute, we're the rich kid with all the neat toys, but we're also the teacher. At least, we get the call every time somebody needs a spanking here.

So, maybe we can do what teachers have done for centuries. Just make it to work every morning, remember we've got tenure, and tune out the noise.

Gay Marriage-- Why NOT?

2005-02-19T22:52:00.000-08:00

All the other red states have had a go at this one, now Alabama scoots a chair up to the table. Gay marriage is being chewed over everywhere else, and while Alabama can't be first at anything, we still want to get on record just ahead of Mississippi.

Let me begin by stating that, to me, this is a bizarre issue. It's like seeing a dog walking on his hind legs. At first you're surprised to see that he can, then you really wonder why he would want to.

So, why would gays want to be married? Is it the princess-for-a-day wedding ceremony? The bridal magazines and shopping for $10,000 worth of clothes that they'll only wear once? Are they longing for that married-folks feeling of hopelessness and despair at keeping a relationship vibrant for 30 or 40 years? Do they feel like they're missing out on all the fun of property division and alimony?

It's the cake, isn't it? Tell me that this is not all about the stupid triple-tiered cardboard and icing sculptures that pass for cake at these things.

A possibility that I haven't heard discussed is that old ownership of another person business, a quaint idea I learned from a girlfriend in high school. About the time we were learning about slavery in History class, I found myself going steady with a girl. It was a very suitable situation, she had a date every Friday night, and I-- well, I spent all my money entertaining her, and she was putting out.

Before long, she began treating me as a piece of property to be prevented from contact with other girls, lest one of them steal me away. Like I lacked any free will, or something. It made me feel so cheap, so-- dirty. We only dated a couple of years after that.

One thing that this issue is certainly not about is civil or human rights. The earliest records of the institution of marriage are nearly 7000 years old. It is certain that homosexuality has been around far longer even than that. So, why is it so important now?

Marriage, as it stands now, is a ridiculous institution for straight people, to provide a framework for flower arrangers and dressmakers and formalwear renters and photographers and bakeries and limo drivers and wedding singers to make a living. Gayness has been all about freedom from the humdrum life that marriage promises.

Gays have happily thumbed their noses at lasting relationships, at family, ceremony and tradition for thousands of years, what is it about marriage that is suddenly so attractive? In the absence of a sensible answer, I say let gays make up some other ridiculous institution to force them to hang together no matter what.

I knew there was going to be trouble once we allowed Tales of the City and Will & Grace. Not content with invading straight media, gays now have to infiltrate our stupid ceremonial practices as well.

All I can say is, they're going to be sorry they ever started this.

From now on, jokes can't begin with "a man takes his wife out to dinner", it'll have to be " this guy and his longtime companion go out to dinner". See? It doesn't just trip off the tongue, does it?

Whole forests will be cut down to provide all the new Man-on-man editions of bridal magazines. That little formalwear shop will expand to take over an entire wing of the mall, crushing the photo shop and that little pretzel place. Spencer's will fight bravely, but they, too, will be absorbed.

Will they keep the bouquet toss? They have to keep the bouquet toss, but all the bachelors can now wear football pads and play it more like rugby. The reception can shift subtly from themes like Always and Forever to It's Raining Men. Yeah, that will be better.

And then, once the last little traces of straight wedding lore have been dragged out and made mock of, then will they be happy? Probably not, but they'll have something much better than happiness.

They'll be respectable.

Salute to the Enemies of Freedom

2005-01-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

Today, Iraqi citizens are voting their little hearts out, defying death threats from terrorists in far greater numbers than turned out for the US elections last November. It just goes to show you, we should probably threaten to shoot anyone who shows up to vote in America, then we'll see a turnout, you bet.

While they are selecting from nearly 200 candidates or coalitions for the Iraqi National Assembly, these stalwart suffragists needn't worry too much about their families being threatened or killed. The fact is, there are not enough insurgents out there to meet the demand. "We hadn't counted on this kind of turnout" says Abu Akhmed Al-Boilbytr, head of the regional office of the Insurgency for Baghdad. " I doubt that we'll ever get around to killing the families of many of today's registered voters, we haven't got the field agents to even do a respectable job of taking names right now. We're asking any voters who have not been killed or lost a member of their families by this Friday to send us a postcard, so we can tell how we're doing and make estimates of how many temporary insurgents we'll need to transfer from Iran and Jordan."

Meanwhile, they have the task of keeping up a bombing campaign despite dwindling supplies of explosive materials, and a greatly reduced staff of delivery personnel. "It seems that, just as we have a man trained to deliver a suicide bomb, he goes on one job and then, we need another delivery guy" said Al-Boilbytr, adding "It's crazy. Kids today, they are not interested in a lengthy career, they want to go straight to the 72 virgins in heaven."

Are there any bright spots in the job? "Well, occasionally I get to meet a bright, young trainee who is both eager to snuff infidels and smart enough to get around a few difficulties to get the job done. Just yesterday, one of our star trainees looked at the situation where we couldn't do car bombs because all vehicular traffic was banned for the election. We were stumped, and just when everybody was about to clock out and go home early, he came up with a clever plan."

"He loaded the bomb onto a donkey and took the donkey to the polling station. We were just standing there saying 'why didn't I think of that?' Too bad he was blown up in the attack, we could sure use a few brains in the outfit."

They're doing a tough job under difficult conditions, but while many of their countrymen despise them, they get plenty of encouragement from abroad. "I don't know why my fellow Iraqis hate me" says Al-Boilbytr, "I'm doing a necessary job that none of them wants to do. It raises our spirits to have powerful world leaders like Edward Kennedy on our side, though. He sent us a letter praising our efforts on behalf of American Liberals, and said that he hopes we will one day be as successful in our goals as the Irish Republican Army. Do we dare to dream?"

Baby Showers For Geezers

2005-01-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

From the former Eastern Bloc nation of Czechoslavakia today we learn that a 66-year-old woman has given birth to a healthy baby girl.

Seldom in medical news does one get to say "congratulations" and "I'm so sorry to hear it" in the same breath, but this is a good time for it. The mother is in intensive care now, and that's serious. If she doesn't pull through, who's going to take care of the baby? Her 85-year-old grandmother?

These are the days when medical science is increasing in knowledge and ability by leaps and bounds. Daily discoveries are being made to improve people's chances of living longer, of surviving and triumphing over disease and disability, and of hoping for things one never could hope for. Like, I don't know-- having babies in your sixties.

How much sense does it make to do a thing like this, just because we can? I mean, sure, she has a big sister and brother in their forties who can take care of her if her mom doesn't make it out of ICU, but we shouldn't always look at the dark side of things. For good news, her mom can get an AARP discount on diapers and formula. Those velcro fasteners will be easier on her arthritis than diaper pins, and since the breast-feeding ship has pretty much sailed (and it has, you know) they'll be needing plenty of formula. Incidentally, I think that the baby formula with iron is very similar to Ensure, the elder fomula. I hope that they find a way to keep the two separated in the pantry.

After diapers, it'll be all downhill. All of her life, this little girl's primary caregiver will be on the express train to the nursing home. Can we play catch? Ring around rosey? go sledding? No, no, and no, dear...mommy might break a hip.

By the time she graduates High School, mother will be 84 years old. Her ceremonial walk across the stage may be past mom's bed-time. Maybe she can wake the old lady up to see if it's okay to stay out late, just this one time?

The rest of their lives together, if any, will be like those little pencils they give you to keep score on the golf course. Brief and pointless. No sense in her moving back in with her parents after college, and what self-respecting car dealer is going to let a 90-year-old cosign a loan?

Nope, I think the whole thing was just a bad idea, carried to extremes, and it can't end well.

next week: an end to the troubles in the Middle East, if you all just shut up and do what I say...

120,000? That Was LAST Week...

2005-01-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Do you remember in school, when they taught us about Pompeii and Herculaneum, two Roman cities obliterated by an eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in August, 79 AD? Perhaps as many as 6,000 people perished in this, the worst natural disaster I had ever heard about at that point in my life.

Six thousand people; I could barely get my head around a number like that. I couldn't imagine it, it was all the people in my school and all the families who lived in my neighborhood, and all the people I went to church with and all of the people in their neighborhoods, too.

I remember passing through a small town in middle Alabama on the way to my grandmother's house, and the sign said "pop. 6000", and I thought, 'hey, they could all have been killed in that disaster'. It was the worst thing I had ever heard about, and the event was burned into my memory, though I didn't know anyone who'd been affected by it. It had been 19 centuries, after all, but still-- six thousand people? That's a lot.

I guess by now we're having so much news that things just have to be bumped when their shelf life draws to a close. A few dozen marines in Beirut, a couple hundred federal employees in Oklahoma, nearly four thousand at the World Trade Centers? Huh, old news.

Now, a new 'worst thing ever' for me, at least. As many as 125,000 deaths in a single catastrophic wave, and just a couple of weeks later it's being bumped by a rain storm in California. My gosh, maybe twelve dead, roads and rails washed away or buried in mud, commerce may be affected for weeks to come.

I know that these twelve dead are dear to someone. Each of them was somebody's little baby, sister, dad, mom, uncle, or whatever. They were Americans, too, and not the rich kind who could afford to jet off to Thailand on a whim, so maybe that will bump them up the ladder of significance a bit.

But, in the end, there were only twelve. That's about one hundred and twenty four thousand, nine hundred and eighty eight shy of the record. Sorry, boys, Asia wins again.

It's like you spent two years making the best movie ever, and it was sensitive and provocative and made people think and had an important message, good direction and cinematography, stunning performances by a strong cast, and it opens in theaters the same weekend as Jaws. At the end of the year, are we going to remember the thunderstorms in California?

Probably not, but for now, commerce may be interrupted for several days, maybe weeks by the mudslides and all, and that's a damn sight more important than fifty thousand foreign orphans.

Hey, the system is working in Iraq

2004-12-17T00:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I hear today that the rule of law is alive and well in Iraq. Alleged war criminal Saddam Hussein had a meeting with a lawyer today, barely a year after he was pulled out of a filthy hole in the ground. That is, on the average, several months sooner than political prisoners could expect to wait for a visit from an attorney while Saddam was in charge of the country.

More good news? Hussein can expect a speedy trial, with interim government officials hoping to get him tried, convicted and executed before scheduled elections in January. "We understand that one of the foundations of western jurisprudence is the right to a speedy trail" said Interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi, adding "once we get a little practice with rapid prosecution, then we can move on to other fine western principles, like rules of evidence and impartial juries." What about the concept of innocence until guilt is proven? "Hey, take it easy," says Allawi, "we have to crawl before we can walk."

American Deaths In Iraq

2004-12-15T01:38:00.000-08:00

The only news I can find on American TV and print media brings me the story every day that, due to a bombing or a suicide raid or something, that some number of Americans were killed in Iraq. Along with that, ever how many Iraqis blew themselves up or died when a terrorist blew them up.

First, it's hard to tell one day from another, except for the number and in what city the terrorist action occurred. Eleven dead? Is that the same report you were talking about yesterday, or is this a different eleven?

For another thing, there is always the implication that it is somehow the fault of the soldiers or their leaders or something. What's wrong with blaming the murders on the murderers?

I think it would be neat if we focused the same public-relations wizardry that sold us on the idea of staying in debt all our lives for stuff we don't need (an ongoing theme in this 'blog, you'll see it again) on promoting freedom from fear in Iraq.We convinced everybody that we put a man on the moon, why can't we convince them that you don't have to kill people just because they don't agree with you?

Oh, wait-- they don't agree with us about that, and we are killing them. I guess we'd have a hard time convincing them, after all...

I'd also like to know how many people were killed by senseless violence in other parts of the world, like Africa, China, and L.A. I just bet that more Americans died in America than in Iraq.

California to burn Scott Peterson

2004-12-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

Don't know why this one matters to me, or to anybody. It's hard to feel one way or the other about something that happened so far away, and has been discussed half to death. Hell, they had a TV movie in the can before he was even arrested, and Dean Cain played him. How many guys can say that, huh?

Meantime, one astute juror said that this was not a cause for jubilation. It was a very difficult decision to make, taking his life as punishment for his crime, and no amount of closure will bring Laci and the baby back. He's right, it is a time for sober reflection on the workings of our criminal justice system. Will they televise the execution? C'mon, Court TV would give their left nut for a video feed, I'm sure something could be worked out.

A New Blog

2004-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a powerful tool. I heard that blogs were used recently by determined little liberal geeks to undermine the reputation of no less personage than the President of the United States, and that by their actions they were able to deliver as much as 0.000245 per cent of the vote to their candidate of choice, former Senator John Kerry. Why, that's nearly 95 votes nationwide. Good job, guys! It's amazing how influential technology is becoming in the 21st century.

I don't think I can hope for such staggering results, so I'll keep my hopes reasonable. It will be nice if I can even get back to post here now and then, much less hope that someone else will drop by and be influenced.

The thought of having any effect on the wide world through these humble words is daunting. Having read some very clever stuff over the last couple of hours, my confidence level is very low.

I guess I'll do my usual, though, and try to keep your expectations as low as I can manage. How'm I doing so far?

While you're waiting for something funny to happen here, you might as well check out my website, www.joeisms.com, known for accuracy of spelling and grammar, with the occasional witty bon mot tossed in. New stuff every month, no cover charge and no minimum drink order.