Gay Marriage-- Why NOT?
All the other red states have had a go at this one, now Alabama scoots a chair up to the table. Gay marriage is being chewed over everywhere else, and while Alabama can't be first at anything, we still want to get on record just ahead of Mississippi.
Let me begin by stating that, to me, this is a bizarre issue. It's like seeing a dog walking on his hind legs. At first you're surprised to see that he can, then you really wonder why he would want to.
So, why would gays want to be married? Is it the princess-for-a-day wedding ceremony? The bridal magazines and shopping for $10,000 worth of clothes that they'll only wear once? Are they longing for that married-folks feeling of hopelessness and despair at keeping a relationship vibrant for 30 or 40 years? Do they feel like they're missing out on all the fun of property division and alimony?
It's the cake, isn't it? Tell me that this is not all about the stupid triple-tiered cardboard and icing sculptures that pass for cake at these things.
A possibility that I haven't heard discussed is that old ownership of another person business, a quaint idea I learned from a girlfriend in high school. About the time we were learning about slavery in History class, I found myself going steady with a girl. It was a very suitable situation, she had a date every Friday night, and I-- well, I spent all my money entertaining her, and she was putting out.
Before long, she began treating me as a piece of property to be prevented from contact with other girls, lest one of them steal me away. Like I lacked any free will, or something. It made me feel so cheap, so-- dirty. We only dated a couple of years after that.
One thing that this issue is certainly not about is civil or human rights. The earliest records of the institution of marriage are nearly 7000 years old. It is certain that homosexuality has been around far longer even than that. So, why is it so important now?
Marriage, as it stands now, is a ridiculous institution for straight people, to provide a framework for flower arrangers and dressmakers and formalwear renters and photographers and bakeries and limo drivers and wedding singers to make a living. Gayness has been all about freedom from the humdrum life that marriage promises.
Gays have happily thumbed their noses at lasting relationships, at family, ceremony and tradition for thousands of years, what is it about marriage that is suddenly so attractive? In the absence of a sensible answer, I say let gays make up some other ridiculous institution to force them to hang together no matter what.
I knew there was going to be trouble once we allowed Tales of the City and Will & Grace. Not content with invading straight media, gays now have to infiltrate our stupid ceremonial practices as well.
All I can say is, they're going to be sorry they ever started this.
From now on, jokes can't begin with "a man takes his wife out to dinner", it'll have to be " this guy and his longtime companion go out to dinner". See? It doesn't just trip off the tongue, does it?
Whole forests will be cut down to provide all the new Man-on-man editions of bridal magazines. That little formalwear shop will expand to take over an entire wing of the mall, crushing the photo shop and that little pretzel place. Spencer's will fight bravely, but they, too, will be absorbed.
Will they keep the bouquet toss? They have to keep the bouquet toss, but all the bachelors can now wear football pads and play it more like rugby. The reception can shift subtly from themes like Always and Forever to It's Raining Men. Yeah, that will be better.
And then, once the last little traces of straight wedding lore have been dragged out and made mock of, then will they be happy? Probably not, but they'll have something much better than happiness.
They'll be respectable.
Let me begin by stating that, to me, this is a bizarre issue. It's like seeing a dog walking on his hind legs. At first you're surprised to see that he can, then you really wonder why he would want to.
So, why would gays want to be married? Is it the princess-for-a-day wedding ceremony? The bridal magazines and shopping for $10,000 worth of clothes that they'll only wear once? Are they longing for that married-folks feeling of hopelessness and despair at keeping a relationship vibrant for 30 or 40 years? Do they feel like they're missing out on all the fun of property division and alimony?
It's the cake, isn't it? Tell me that this is not all about the stupid triple-tiered cardboard and icing sculptures that pass for cake at these things.
A possibility that I haven't heard discussed is that old ownership of another person business, a quaint idea I learned from a girlfriend in high school. About the time we were learning about slavery in History class, I found myself going steady with a girl. It was a very suitable situation, she had a date every Friday night, and I-- well, I spent all my money entertaining her, and she was putting out.
Before long, she began treating me as a piece of property to be prevented from contact with other girls, lest one of them steal me away. Like I lacked any free will, or something. It made me feel so cheap, so-- dirty. We only dated a couple of years after that.
One thing that this issue is certainly not about is civil or human rights. The earliest records of the institution of marriage are nearly 7000 years old. It is certain that homosexuality has been around far longer even than that. So, why is it so important now?
Marriage, as it stands now, is a ridiculous institution for straight people, to provide a framework for flower arrangers and dressmakers and formalwear renters and photographers and bakeries and limo drivers and wedding singers to make a living. Gayness has been all about freedom from the humdrum life that marriage promises.
Gays have happily thumbed their noses at lasting relationships, at family, ceremony and tradition for thousands of years, what is it about marriage that is suddenly so attractive? In the absence of a sensible answer, I say let gays make up some other ridiculous institution to force them to hang together no matter what.
I knew there was going to be trouble once we allowed Tales of the City and Will & Grace. Not content with invading straight media, gays now have to infiltrate our stupid ceremonial practices as well.
All I can say is, they're going to be sorry they ever started this.
From now on, jokes can't begin with "a man takes his wife out to dinner", it'll have to be " this guy and his longtime companion go out to dinner". See? It doesn't just trip off the tongue, does it?
Whole forests will be cut down to provide all the new Man-on-man editions of bridal magazines. That little formalwear shop will expand to take over an entire wing of the mall, crushing the photo shop and that little pretzel place. Spencer's will fight bravely, but they, too, will be absorbed.
Will they keep the bouquet toss? They have to keep the bouquet toss, but all the bachelors can now wear football pads and play it more like rugby. The reception can shift subtly from themes like Always and Forever to It's Raining Men. Yeah, that will be better.
And then, once the last little traces of straight wedding lore have been dragged out and made mock of, then will they be happy? Probably not, but they'll have something much better than happiness.
They'll be respectable.
posted by joe at 10:52 PM
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