Salute to the Enemies of Freedom

Today, Iraqi citizens are voting their little hearts out, defying death threats from terrorists in far greater numbers than turned out for the US elections last November. It just goes to show you, we should probably threaten to shoot anyone who shows up to vote in America, then we'll see a turnout, you bet.

While they are selecting from nearly 200 candidates or coalitions for the Iraqi National Assembly, these stalwart suffragists needn't worry too much about their families being threatened or killed. The fact is, there are not enough insurgents out there to meet the demand. "We hadn't counted on this kind of turnout" says Abu Akhmed Al-Boilbytr, head of the regional office of the Insurgency for Baghdad. " I doubt that we'll ever get around to killing the families of many of today's registered voters, we haven't got the field agents to even do a respectable job of taking names right now. We're asking any voters who have not been killed or lost a member of their families by this Friday to send us a postcard, so we can tell how we're doing and make estimates of how many temporary insurgents we'll need to transfer from Iran and Jordan."

Meanwhile, they have the task of keeping up a bombing campaign despite dwindling supplies of explosive materials, and a greatly reduced staff of delivery personnel. "It seems that, just as we have a man trained to deliver a suicide bomb, he goes on one job and then, we need another delivery guy" said Al-Boilbytr, adding "It's crazy. Kids today, they are not interested in a lengthy career, they want to go straight to the 72 virgins in heaven."

Are there any bright spots in the job? "Well, occasionally I get to meet a bright, young trainee who is both eager to snuff infidels and smart enough to get around a few difficulties to get the job done. Just yesterday, one of our star trainees looked at the situation where we couldn't do car bombs because all vehicular traffic was banned for the election. We were stumped, and just when everybody was about to clock out and go home early, he came up with a clever plan."

"He loaded the bomb onto a donkey and took the donkey to the polling station. We were just standing there saying 'why didn't I think of that?' Too bad he was blown up in the attack, we could sure use a few brains in the outfit."

They're doing a tough job under difficult conditions, but while many of their countrymen despise them, they get plenty of encouragement from abroad. "I don't know why my fellow Iraqis hate me" says Al-Boilbytr, "I'm doing a necessary job that none of them wants to do. It raises our spirits to have powerful world leaders like Edward Kennedy on our side, though. He sent us a letter praising our efforts on behalf of American Liberals, and said that he hopes we will one day be as successful in our goals as the Irish Republican Army. Do we dare to dream?"

Baby Showers For Geezers

From the former Eastern Bloc nation of Czechoslavakia today we learn that a 66-year-old woman has given birth to a healthy baby girl.

Seldom in medical news does one get to say "congratulations" and "I'm so sorry to hear it" in the same breath, but this is a good time for it. The mother is in intensive care now, and that's serious. If she doesn't pull through, who's going to take care of the baby? Her 85-year-old grandmother?

These are the days when medical science is increasing in knowledge and ability by leaps and bounds. Daily discoveries are being made to improve people's chances of living longer, of surviving and triumphing over disease and disability, and of hoping for things one never could hope for. Like, I don't know-- having babies in your sixties.

How much sense does it make to do a thing like this, just because we can? I mean, sure, she has a big sister and brother in their forties who can take care of her if her mom doesn't make it out of ICU, but we shouldn't always look at the dark side of things. For good news, her mom can get an AARP discount on diapers and formula. Those velcro fasteners will be easier on her arthritis than diaper pins, and since the breast-feeding ship has pretty much sailed (and it has, you know) they'll be needing plenty of formula. Incidentally, I think that the baby formula with iron is very similar to Ensure, the elder fomula. I hope that they find a way to keep the two separated in the pantry.

After diapers, it'll be all downhill. All of her life, this little girl's primary caregiver will be on the express train to the nursing home. Can we play catch? Ring around rosey? go sledding? No, no, and no, dear...mommy might break a hip.

By the time she graduates High School, mother will be 84 years old. Her ceremonial walk across the stage may be past mom's bed-time. Maybe she can wake the old lady up to see if it's okay to stay out late, just this one time?

The rest of their lives together, if any, will be like those little pencils they give you to keep score on the golf course. Brief and pointless. No sense in her moving back in with her parents after college, and what self-respecting car dealer is going to let a 90-year-old cosign a loan?

Nope, I think the whole thing was just a bad idea, carried to extremes, and it can't end well.

next week: an end to the troubles in the Middle East, if you all just shut up and do what I say...

120,000? That Was LAST Week...

Do you remember in school, when they taught us about Pompeii and Herculaneum, two Roman cities obliterated by an eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in August, 79 AD? Perhaps as many as 6,000 people perished in this, the worst natural disaster I had ever heard about at that point in my life.

Six thousand people; I could barely get my head around a number like that. I couldn't imagine it, it was all the people in my school and all the families who lived in my neighborhood, and all the people I went to church with and all of the people in their neighborhoods, too.

I remember passing through a small town in middle Alabama on the way to my grandmother's house, and the sign said "pop. 6000", and I thought, 'hey, they could all have been killed in that disaster'. It was the worst thing I had ever heard about, and the event was burned into my memory, though I didn't know anyone who'd been affected by it. It had been 19 centuries, after all, but still-- six thousand people? That's a lot.

I guess by now we're having so much news that things just have to be bumped when their shelf life draws to a close. A few dozen marines in Beirut, a couple hundred federal employees in Oklahoma, nearly four thousand at the World Trade Centers? Huh, old news.

Now, a new 'worst thing ever' for me, at least. As many as 125,000 deaths in a single catastrophic wave, and just a couple of weeks later it's being bumped by a rain storm in California. My gosh, maybe twelve dead, roads and rails washed away or buried in mud, commerce may be affected for weeks to come.

I know that these twelve dead are dear to someone. Each of them was somebody's little baby, sister, dad, mom, uncle, or whatever. They were Americans, too, and not the rich kind who could afford to jet off to Thailand on a whim, so maybe that will bump them up the ladder of significance a bit.

But, in the end, there were only twelve. That's about one hundred and twenty four thousand, nine hundred and eighty eight shy of the record. Sorry, boys, Asia wins again.

It's like you spent two years making the best movie ever, and it was sensitive and provocative and made people think and had an important message, good direction and cinematography, stunning performances by a strong cast, and it opens in theaters the same weekend as Jaws. At the end of the year, are we going to remember the thunderstorms in California?

Probably not, but for now, commerce may be interrupted for several days, maybe weeks by the mudslides and all, and that's a damn sight more important than fifty thousand foreign orphans.